Am I your caucasian?

Thank god it’s all over for another four years. The past two weeks (since our elimination) have been just a constant frustration. Like watching a stripper go off and dance for someone else. All that time, money and effort wasted believing you really stood a chance then in a moment it’s all taken away and you have to sit and watch while someone else enjoys all the action.

After all the anticipation it’s been a disappointing tournament on the whole. Unlike previous finals, the big names and teams failed to deliver and there are few lasting memories. Hopefully it will help South Africa’s progression as a nation and it’s economy, but it certainly hasn’t taken football forward.

To my mind the game has been going downhill since France 98 and we have been left with a legacy of over-paid and overrated stars who play in sterile corporate-driven stadiums.

We are constantly told that the Premiership is the best league in the universe and full of world-class players. On the past month’s evidence it’s just not true. You cannot be called world-class if you do not perform on the world stage. And our home-grown and foreign so-called superstars just did not turn up. The fact none of our teams reached the Champion’s League semi-finals this year was an early sign, but the performances of Gerrard, Rooney, Lampard, Anelka, Fabregas, Torres and Drogba prove that we may have the richest and most-watched league, but in terms of quality it really is nothing special. Forlan, Mueller, Casillas, Iniesta, Sneijder, Messi and Villa were the stars of the past 64 matches and guess what? None of them play in our league.

Another grievance about the World Cup, is that everyone suddenly has an opinion about the last bastion of national pride that is football. Honestly, I had to listen to my own mother explaining the frailties of Capello’s system and how they are all so over-paid and Beckham was only their for his own brand. I therefore find myself actually arguing with her. It’s bad enough failing to score against Algeria and then being thrashed by the Germans, but arguing with a woman in her sixties about a team and a game you love is just pure torture.

So a quick summary of  my five Uppers, Downers and Oddities that  we  have all witnessed over the past month and let’s hope Brazil in 2014 proves to be more fulfilling and successful for England and football as a spectacle.

Uppers

1. Maradona-It was brilliant to see a true legend of the game showing love and passion for his own team and players. After all the mini-maestro’s well-documented issues since Italia 90, it would be equivalent to Gazza managing the England team.

Unfortunately, our own hero was unavailable for any form of England duty and was last seen trying to persuade the killer Raoul Moat to give himself up by promising to take him on a fishing trip. Gazza arrived in Rothbury on Friday evening (where Moat was finally found after a week in hiding) in a taxi with a black holdall carrying a fishing rod, a white dressing gown, a loaf of bread, lager and some chicken pieces for the gunman.

Gascoigne knew Moat from his days as a nightclub bouncer in Newcastle, but unsurprisingly police refused to let him past the cordon – or anywhere near the scene. Gazza, who appeared a little worse for wear, reportedly returned to Newcastle in a taxi where he was later taken by ambulance to hospital with breathing difficulties.

Perhaps there are a few similes with the Moat shoot-out, Gazza’s decline and England’s failures at the World Cup since that famous night in Turin twenty years ago. The whole country is watching with interest, no-one has still had a proper word with Gascoigne (despite Lineker’s plea) and it always ends up in suicide and loss.

2. Spain- It made a refreshing change that the best foot-balling side during the tournament actually won it. Despite losing to Switzerland in their opener, they only conceded two goals in seven games and with Iniesta, Xavi and Villa they always dominated defences and the passing game. Italy, Brazil and France have won the past three tournaments, but more through grit and working as a tournament team as opposed to playing the beautiful game and being the superior side.

3. ITV’s Coverage- Finally the BBC had some competition during a World Cup. In Adrian Chiles and Gareth Southgate, they may not have had the best-looking studio, but at least it was brains above the usual bright-lights and bull-shit. However, Chris Coleman as a co-commentator was an ambitious step too far. I admittedly stilled watched the final on the BBC, but more through habit more than substance. The very pleased with themselves perma-tanned (despite it being winter in South Africa) pundits all oddly wore their special match-day suits (at least it covered up Shearer’s shocking shirt collection) and I had to listen to Mark Lawrenson commentating who sounds more and more like he should be in a camp Carry On film. At least no Richard Keys though, who was apparently wearing a shiny suit and raking it in Los Angeles, presenting for Fox’s coverage of the tournament. Please do us all a favour Richard and stay there and give us all a season break at least.

4. World Unity- I don’t mean to sound like a beauty-pageant queen, but no other event can bring the world together like a World Cup. As the quality of football and atmosphere in the stadiums seems to dwindle at each tournament, the world-wide interest and camaraderie seems to be getting that much stronger. Although, I have to say this was not always evident within the French squad or indeed in our own capital. At a pub in Fulham, during England’s first group match and after Green’s howler a couple of USA fans cheered. Big mistake as a dozen threats on their person ensued and when I looked over at half-time they were long gone. At least it showed some national pride I suppose, albeit blatant thuggery.

5. World Awareness of South Africa- Again it sounds a bit cliché but I genuinely believe that the tournament and the coverage let the world have sight of a country and continent where priorities and concerns are so different from our own. Also since the end of apartheid and Mandela’s retirement we rarely see South Africa in the news, so it was important to see how far the country has come in the past 20 years.

I hope that the tournament will have a positive affect not just in the short-term but in the years to come. I feel both the BBC and ITV made a big effort in doing this but I do question whether Alan Shearer was the best man to send into the town-ship to discuss the economy and politics. His questioning skills were somewhat limited and he looked as out of his depth as the rugby player Francois Pienaar did as a football pundit on the other side.

Downers

1. Failure of the Big Five-Many people travel to Africa to go on safari and see what is known as the big five-The lion, leopard, elephant, buffalo and rhino. Unfortunately football’s equivalent were missing in action these past four weeks and the excellent Nike advert inadvertently became the grim reaper for it’s five-star performers. Ronaldinho never even made it to the airport. Ribery and Cannavaro were on the plane home before the end of June and Rooney and Ronaldo with one goal between them were home before Paraguay’s Roque Santa Cruz ,who couldn’t score a goal by the time we all re-convene in Brazil.

Pepsi’s big five didn’t fair much better- Messi, Drogba, Lampard, Henry and Kaka all failed to shine. Yet the truly awful Pringle’s campaign at least had Kuyt and Fabregas in the final. Crouch and Anelka didn’t come close to sniffing a goal though. In essence, stick to the training ground lads as the cash might not roll in as quick, but you might still be a viable commodity come August.

2. Advertising -As well as the above ,which at least had mainly relevant talented footballers in them, we had to endure so many annoying adverts during the past month. In which ex-managers, players and even Chris Kamara milked the football gravy-train all the way to the bank. Failed England boss and national laughing-stock Graham Taylor somehow managed to not only appear on the most annoying advert for Sony TV’s, but was also responsible the voice-over for the worst of all of them-McDonald’s campaign.

Only in this country do we pay those who were previously slaughtered huge sums of money to advertise products to supposedly make us laugh. They did it with Pizza Hut and the penalty-missers years ago. Perhaps that’s why we will never be winners again. It also happens in celebrity culture. The press rubbished national jokes such as Jade Goody, Jordan, Peter Andre and Kerry Katona for what they were originally famous for, but then suddenly they are paid millions by organisations and become even more famous.

So the referee who dis-allowed Lampards’s goal and Robert Green may well get the call soon and earn themselves a few quid.

Meanwhile, Robbie Earle gets the sack for giving away his ticket allocation to a group of Dutch girls. Why was he given 150 tickets anyway? There was a sliver lining though: I am sure he managed to acquire a few phone-numbers from the girls. He also avoided being patronised in the studio for being black and I am in no doubt all will be forgiven and he will get a call for a connected advertising campaign during the next World Cup.

3. James Corden- I am a huge fan of the short fat man but like comedy legends that preceded him, such as Ricky Gervais (Diana’s Tribute Concert) and Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G InDaHouse) it seems he has been over-publicised and by saying yes to everything offered he has taken on a role that he really should have rejected. I am sure like the others he will literally bounce back because he has real talent, but his ITV show following the World Cup matches was very poor indeed. It didn’t help that England performed badly or he only had half an hour on ITV 1, but the format was laughable and for all the wrong reasons.

Abbey Clancy contributed even less than her boyfriend in South Africa and the World Cup wall-chart with real fans was cringe-worthy. Sky Sports learnt a few years ago with their Monday Night Football show that you can’t use real people when broadcasting live.

The show also made their showbiz guests sit through an awful thrown-together topical quiz, rather than spending the time interviewing their actual footballing legend. He had to wait until the ITV4  show by which time I had given up like the rest of the country. Come on James as a friend once told me: “Stick to what your good at.” Maybe I should end my writing career here.

4. Patronising Presenting- I have complimented both channels for their respective coverage, but there was one issue that really bothered me. Choice of pundits for certain games. Why did both broadcaster’s feel they had to have a black pundit (former or current players) for every game involving an African country? I would have applauded the decision if the chosen ones hailed from the countries playing, but except Adebayor none of them had even represented an African country.

It felt uncomfortable that just because a pundit was black he was automatically supporting and had in-depth insight into whatever African team was playing. Admittedly the African teams didn’t last long in the tournament, so thankfully Messrs Adebayor and Vieira could return to my beloved Manchester City for much-needed pre-season training.

That aside the coverage was so much better than years gone by and Clarence Seedorf and Mick McCarthy were inspired choices by the BBC. The jury is out on Edgar Davids though. He was so laid back he may as well have been lying on the sofa watching it with me (not literally of course). And what rock did the ITV find Kevin Keegan under? He looked so knackered and out of touch they should have sent him back immediately and taken Andy Townsend and Jim Beglin with him.

5. Premiership Rejects Dominating- It was a tournament in which a number of players that left the premiership or are shipped out on loan dominated matches and out-shone our current group of stars. Perhaps a Canesten advertising campaign would have been a perfect choice for them. A cream to soothe irritations for premiership chairmen and managers alike who have spent millions on player’s transfer fees and wages but they simply could not manage these players into performing. Dos Santos for Mexico, Forlan for Uruguay, Robinho and Elano for Brazil, Veron for Argentina are just a few who looked world-class but struggled in our so-called superior league.

Even Samaras for Greece and Fernandes for Switzerland looked good out there. Maybe our coaching methods are therefore to blame or perhaps these players are just more patriotic and are earning too much money to care about a club in a foreign country and save their best performances when representing their homeland.

6. The British Press- As predictable as our early exit the press were yet again an absolute disgrace. Going back as far as the Terry affair then the Gerrard rumours, the Capello index, the sensationalising of our chances, the constant media attention to all our players and then calling for Capello to be replaced by Roy Hodgson. I admit we didn’t do well, but why can’t the press be consistent in their opinion, support the team and be pragmatic.

During qualification Capello was successful and played mainly the same team, with the same formation and the same iron-fist discipline as he did in the World Cup. So how can the same journalists slag him off for what they were applauding a year earlier. Front-page headlines about ‘a depression heading in over Heathrow airport’ as the players returned home is just pathetic. Sven and Keegan were criticised for slack discipline and cliques forming and now Fabio is slaughtered for being too strict and bossy. Even the late Sir Bobby Robson was vilified for years in the press until the semi-final of Italia 90. Now they just talk about what a legend he was. In six weeks the same tossers will be writing superlative headlines about Super Frank and Wonder Rooney and it just illustrates that they are just hypocrites trying to sell papers.

Never to be Seen Again (hopefully)

I really do not feel the need for detailed description here as they all have had far too much press already. Let’s just hope we don’t see any of them in action ever again now that the madness is all over.

1. Vuvuzelas

2. Jabulani ball

3. Howard Webb

4. Shakira

5. Robert Green

~ by leonfbutler on July 12, 2010.

Posted in Social Comment, Sports
Tags: Beckham, Canesten, Gazza, Iniesta, Maradona, Messi, Nike, Pepsi, Pringles, Raoul Moat, Ronaldo, Shakira, Sony, Spain